some past thoughts of'before the real pregnancy'

Yeah…finally I have missed ‘it’.

Though I have not done the self test but I am almost sure.

The feeling of euphoria has not yet struck, (that will come after the confirmation), but since I have missed the due date, I am feeling alarmed, afraid and petrified.

And the problem is, this time I can not blame anyone….. for those anticipations, at least.

For the first time, when we were evading the ultimate next step, after being married for one and a half year almost, every other person, if that happened to be a woman and a mother, would never loose the opportunity to tell or signal me that how wonderful it is to have a kid, that being a mother is the most blissful thing in the world, that its smiles never fail to cheer up your gloomy day, that when it hugs you or calls you mummy- those are the most joyous moments of your life, etc., etc, etc….

True!! All true!!

I agree.

But the problem is no one told me that the process of becoming a mother is not that joyful.

First, the whole nine months were like a physical and emotional swing for me. One moment I would feel like jumping stairs and the other I would feel so tired and drained of energy that going to the kitchen to have something to eat would seem like an uphill task.

Second, ‘to have something to eat’ too was not an easy thing to get. I would crave for things whose name I could barely remember and the descriptions like ‘it is made of curd, khatta meetha hota hai’ could not help my husband to bring it, who anyways was too lazy and ignorant about cravings to help me, an easily available ‘rasgulla’ was beyond his laziness at that time. There were also some sweets which he had never come across because of our regional differences, like the ‘makkhan ka samosa’ which is so ubiquitous in marriages around ‘Agra-Mathura’, but he had never heard of that. 

Third, the period after those nine months proved to be all the more grueling. At least when she was inside, apart from those physical inconveniences, I could sleep at will, eat when hungry and relax when desired. But all comforts or rather luxuries were gone the moment she came out. A whole day will pass, at the end of which I will realize that I have not even combed my hair. These kids have a knack at wetting or dirtying their clothes or feeling hungry at the most inappropriate times. Even after her fourth birthday, I miss my dear, old, long forgotten sweet uninterrupted sleep.

And last but not the least, the labour pains!! I distinctly remember, (much to the amusement of the attending nurse I am sure), with each cramp I was swearing aloud that this one baby is enough, I will not do another one!!!! And that too when I never reached the finality of the pains, she was delivered after cutting me apart.

But, even after knowing all of that, I am here again, more than willing to take the plunge once more!!! My experiences ought to have suitably warned me. But as usual I am surprised at my own mind and heart, anticipating to go through the whole process again.

I am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed and hope that this time will pass as uneventful as possible.

After one failed pregnancy, I know the pains of loosing a baby. It is OK if it is not given to you, but once you conceive, if that soul is snatched from you, the loss is unbearable. God please if you have chosen to make me pregnant again, please let me have it cute, intelligent and healthy, the requirements are all compulsory and must haves but still expressed in their reverse order of priority.

Bas, filhaal aur kuch nahin chahiye!!!

an introduction

Today I have created another branch for expressing my thoughts.

 I mean I have created another blog.

Why?

Even I found myself asking the same question from me.

Well! I am not sure. But still let me try explaining, may be in the process I too will get convinced!

Since long, there were few thoughts in my mind and even few already expressed and saved in the folder, which I wanted to share but dared not!

Again why?

Well! since I don’t write an anonymous blog and those who read it, comprise mainly of my family and friends, they know me and I know them.

Somehow I felt that their content will not merge with my image. I mean there are some things which are hush hush, you need to be discreet about them. Though I have been married for eight years, got pregnant thrice, but still there stay some things which ought to turn your cheeks crimson red, while being talked about.

So, I thought I will create another step to reach those thoughts of mine, with the expectation set that they might contain some censorable material.

So,if you have chosen to be here, don't feel offended.

And so here comes my ‘a pregnant thought.blogspot.com’

a family being planned

 when your family planning fails

As I usually say, you do the first baby on the insistence and persistence of dada-dadi, nana-nani. And you are forced to do the second baby on the insistence and again persistence of ……well…the first baby!!!

After losing my second baby, which was conceived unplanned, when the first one was just one year two months old, in the fifth month of pregnancy, I felt myself unable to go through the process again-of conceiving, coping with the reduced stamina owing to pregnancy (when you need it all the more…that too in extra bulks….to meet the demands of family and kid), while throughout living under the constant fear of losing that tiny life again. I have not yet healed from the emotional, mental and physical scars which I have received the last time. So, I had decided that one kid is good enough, to prove to the world that everything is normal and good in my married life.

But as I said, that little, till only kid of mine, hopes, plans and now prays differently. Whenever she will pass through the infant section of the superstore, she will say, much to the amusement of the fellow shoppers ‘ kash mere pas bhi ek chota baby hota toh hum bhi diapers kharidte’ (hope I had a little baby then we too would buy diapers). She will not let me give away her toys or clothes which she has grown up to use, on the premises that our chota baby will use them. Whenever she will come across a good name of a girl or boy, she will immediately try to store it in her memory bank, saying ‘we will call our chota baby Ayush’. Sometimes there will be pretended fights among us when during her daily night prayer she will ask God for a chota baby girl (just like her) and I will insist on a boy (to give company to Papa, otherwise he will become odd one out among three girls-isn’t it better two boy two girl).

Finally, I had to give in into the pressures of my little angel, family (yes…again) and hubby as well. And so out went the rubber and I stopped smirking at people who will suggest me to have another baby.

Now, from here the problem started. Earlier, both of my pregnancies were unplanned though desired. But this time even after two-three months, we still await that good news. Now, I realize how difficult it is to make a baby. You need the right mood, sufficient energy and a sleeping or an absent baby, and remember that all these preconditions should co-exist to achieve the step one. Then you have to pray that the traveler goes the right path and meets its destination remaining unhurt and maintaining good health throughout and then the receiver is hale and hearty and willing to meet the visitor.

 If you happen to need a son, then it becomes all the more complicated. Besides consulting the Chinese chart and planning your abovementioned activities of meeting the preconditions, I don’t know much that one can do, except to keep the fingers crossed that when the two wanderers meet, the Y part is faster and bonds before the X part of the male counterpart.

Well, every time we do ‘it’, a hope is created in me. Every burp, every ache in any part of my body, every food related moodiness, every slightest drop in my stamina, rekindle a possibility, ‘may be it is because I have conceived this time’. Then an otherwise day-to-day activity like popping a pain killer (which waise bhi I rarely do), or lifting some weight or even eating papaya, that normally are reflex, involuntary and subconscious activities would become serious to-do or not-to-do considerations.

Imagine my disappointment when I start my periods. I feel like every drop of the blood that I bleed was a part of my baby’s nourishment that is now going down the drain, each drop of that blood could have been running in my baby’s veins and now it will pass through the nala running behind my house.

In those moments I pity those babies who were unwanted to their parents, either because they were pre-marital, or because they were ‘a girl’ or because they were extra and therefore were killed pre-birth or post birth.

I also fume at the unjust behaviour of god. He has a very sadistic way of maintaining imbalances down on the earth, to prove his power and might.

At those moments, sometimes I consider myself slightly lucky that at least I have one kid with whom I can maintain balance, momentum and fun in my family. If she were not with us, it is for sure that we husband wife would have eaten each other alive out of frustration, boredom and day to day quarrels which are a part of married life and arise out of seven year itch (though it is not guaranteed to strike in seventh year only, the signs may appear as early as in fifth or third or even first year of marriage).

To make the matters more complicated, nowadays my daughter is in a greedy mode. It is an attempt of compromise, to find a mid way for our pretended fights. As a conciliatory measure, now she asks God for two babies-a girl for herself and a boy to maintain the equation of boys in the family. As for me, I told her ‘ek to manage ho nahin raha, two more, forget it!!!!’