Yeah…finally I have missed
‘it’.
Though I have not done the
self test but I am almost sure.
The feeling of euphoria has
not yet struck, (that will come after the confirmation), but since I have
missed the due date, I am feeling alarmed, afraid and petrified.
And the problem is, this time
I can not blame anyone….. for those anticipations, at least.
For
the first time, when we were evading the ultimate next step, after being
married for one and a half year almost, every other person, if that happened to
be a woman and a mother, would never loose the opportunity to tell or signal me
that how wonderful it is to have a kid, that being a mother is the most
blissful thing in the world, that its smiles never fail to cheer up your gloomy
day, that when it hugs you or calls you mummy- those are the most joyous
moments of your life, etc., etc, etc….
True!!
All true!!
I
agree.
But
the problem is no one told me that the process of becoming a mother is not that
joyful.
First,
the whole nine months were like a physical and emotional swing for me. One
moment I would feel like jumping stairs and the other I would feel so tired and
drained of energy that going to the kitchen to have something to eat would seem
like an uphill task.
Second,
‘to have something to eat’ too was not an easy thing to get. I would crave for
things whose name I could barely remember and the descriptions like ‘it is made
of curd, khatta meetha hota hai’ could not help my husband to bring it, who
anyways was too lazy and ignorant about cravings to help me, an easily
available ‘rasgulla’ was beyond his laziness at that time. There were also some
sweets which he had never come across because of our regional differences, like
the ‘makkhan ka samosa’ which is so ubiquitous in marriages around ‘Agra-Mathura’,
but he had never heard of that.
Third,
the period after those nine months proved to be all the more grueling. At least
when she was inside, apart from those physical inconveniences, I could sleep at
will, eat when hungry and relax when desired. But all comforts or rather
luxuries were gone the moment she came out. A whole day will pass, at the end
of which I will realize that I have not even combed my hair. These kids have a
knack at wetting or dirtying their clothes or feeling hungry at the most inappropriate
times. Even after her fourth birthday, I miss my dear, old, long forgotten
sweet uninterrupted sleep.
And
last but not the least, the labour pains!! I distinctly remember, (much to the
amusement of the attending nurse I am sure), with each cramp I was swearing
aloud that this one baby is enough, I will not do another one!!!! And that too
when I never reached the finality of the pains, she was delivered after cutting
me apart.
But,
even after knowing all of that, I am here again, more than willing to take the
plunge once more!!! My experiences ought to have suitably warned me. But as
usual I am surprised at my own mind and heart, anticipating to go through the
whole process again.
I
am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed and hope that this time will pass as
uneventful as possible.
After
one failed pregnancy, I know the pains of loosing a baby. It is OK if it is not
given to you, but once you conceive, if that soul is snatched from you, the
loss is unbearable. God please if you have chosen to make me pregnant again,
please let me have it cute, intelligent and healthy, the requirements are all
compulsory and must haves but still expressed in their reverse order of
priority.
Bas,
filhaal aur kuch nahin chahiye!!!
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